I know what you’re probably thinking. “The tantrum? Where is she going with this one? We’re all adults, aren’t we?” Ah, yes, the tantrum. What better example of bad behavior can we think of? When it comes to our bad behaviors around food, the tantrum is what comes to my mind. Not your children’s tantrums, girls, but yours! I’m sure you would prefer I call it something different, but we’re all about truth here, and so I am going to call it as I see it. The Tantrum…

First let’s think about the toddler whose mommy says he can’t have a cookie in the supermarket. Because the child has not yet developed coping skills, feelings of frustration lead to a complete loss of control. In a nanosecond, your sweet, adorable little angel is screaming and flailing about, stomping his feet and throwing things - or himself - into the wall, onto the floor or worse. What began as a feeling of powerlessness - having no voice, no control - moved from frustration, to anger, to rage. The tantrum escalates until its violence is directed inward and the child has to be restrained in order to protect him from himself.

Then what happens? Usually, (clearly, I have had experience with this), the tantrum is enough to wear out the child, and he is left feeling tired and remorseful. You have your child back, and the two of you can then talk about what happened. You use the opportunity to teach him some age-appropriate coping skills that will help him negotiate frustration more smoothly in the future. As the adult, you do not pass judgment on the child, calling him unworthy or bad. You understand that the child does not yet have the inner resources to handle frustration. He lacks self-control, language acquisition, an understanding of emotions, and the ability to overcome physical limitations.

Children are very honest about expressing frustration and anger. The beauty of the tantrum is that it allows them not only to express their anger, but also, and more importantly, it helps them to release it. The tantrum also provides a teachable moment for the parent or other adult to show the child how to handle emotions more effectively. Unfortunately, some adults fear anger - theirs and their children’s. Sometimes, this fear prevents them from acknowledging the child’s anger and teaching him how to deal with his feelings. What then?

What becomes of the child who learns that having self-control means keeping her feelings to herself? What becomes of the child who learns that her words are not to be used to disagree or demand? What becomes of the child who learns not only that her emotions do not matter, but also that they are unbecoming, and even dangerous? Clearly, she runs the risk of becoming an adult who suppresses her feelings, an adult who feels as powerless as the child, an adult who might turn the anger and rage inward and then flog herself with food to dull the pain of her powerlessness.

So, let’s put it all together and see just how your behavior resembles our unhappy child’s. I want you to envision, right now, the last time you lost control and binged, or just plain overate to the point where you couldn’t swallow another morsel. Got it? Can you feel it? Okay, now think about what happened that day, or at some point before the binge. Something angered or upset you. Did someone say something unkind, leaving you tongue-tied? Was something you worked for not appreciated, or, possibly, diminished? Did someone criticize your intelligence, your appearance, your child? The trigger we are looking for, by the way, would be bigger than someone just simply cutting you off while driving. What was it? Perhaps it’s that you said yes again, and you are upset that no one has noticed how overworked you are. Perhaps it was a series of events. The possibilities are endless; but try to look back and identify exactly what triggered the tantrum. Try to admit that something or someone truly upset you. Try to say it: I was ANGRY!! Good!

And now, I would like you to answer a few questions. When the event occurred and the anger first presented itself, did you use your power of speech to express your feelings? Did you use your power of speech to express your exhaustion? Did you use your power of speech to express your needs? Or did you use that well-developed self-control to suppress your feelings and swallow your words and your power?

So, now that you have identified it, what could you have done differently? How could you have averted the self-destructive tantrum before it started and became impossible to halt? In all honesty, I have to tell you that unless you start speaking up for yourself - not in anger, but with your voice of truth - this cycle will repeat itself. So, break the cycle. Feel your emotions and allow them in. Admit that you are angry. Admit that instead of handling your anger like a mature, empowered, adult, you are about to behave like a big crybaby because you can't speak up. Admit you are planning to stuff down the words with food that will sicken your body and your soul. Then go and begin to find your voice. Take care of the problem with the intent to harm nobody, especially yourself.

One more thing: Aren’t you just plain tired of it? Aren’t you tired of taking on so much that you don’t want to carry? Aren’t you tired of putting yourself last? Aren’t you tired of going home upset and crying your way through a pint of Häagen Dazs? I know you are. This is not about being overwhelmed; this is about being angry and turning it inside. This is about choosing to hurt yourself rather than possibly hurting someone else by asking that your needs be met. Would you please do me a favor? The next time that you feel anger rising, would you please write down what it is you are angry about? Identify it in your journal, and really think about how you can show yourself the kindness you show to others. Please understand that there is a better way to handle the problem. There is always a better way, and with kindness, you will find it. You can also write to me at www.justloseit.com and I will be happy to address your concerns in a private email.