Should you bring up the engagement ring with your man?

Do you think you could ever talk to your man about what kind of engagement ring you want, or do you think you should just wait until he is on bended knee to find out if he has taste in jewelry? Are you comfortable knowing you could either be delighted with his choice or have to fake your happiness with the ring? What is the right way to handle this? Let's follow the story of our heroin Jill, and how her engagement ring was chosen.

For the past year, Jack and Jill had been falling deeper and deeper in love. They had some conversations about their future together, so the idea of marriage was like a seed that had already been planted. Yet, there was still a lot to resolve because they hadn't discussed "everything", so Jill didn't have a very clear sense of when Jack would pop the question.

One day, Jill noticed that Jack was exhibiting more and more stress. Up until now, he had been the epitome of grace under pressure. Jill came to me for clarification, and since she had already shared many of their past interactions, it didn't take long for me to get to the crux of things. I asked if he had told her what he was stressed about, specifically. She told me he said it was money.

Jill had been confused by this conversation with him, but rather than reveal her concerns and uncertainty, she just kept quiet. (On a side note, if you can't have important conversations with your partner, what makes you think marriage is the right choice for your relationship? And if you can't be open and can't be yourself with him, either he's not right for you, or you need to empower yourself with the knowledge that the truest and deepest love can only be experienced when you are authentically you! But that's a story for a later blog.)

When Jill revealed that Jack was stressed about money, I knew right away that because he was in love with her, he wanted to give her everything she wanted! He wanted to give her the world, and I told her so. When men are in love, what they desire most is to provide you with everything they can to bring you happiness. The financial implications are where they usually face some serious challenges. After all, a guy can only give you as much as his paycheck allows, materially speaking. Highly motivated earners will often break their backs for you!

Jack was one of these men. He felt pressed by thoughts of college funds, combining households, whether to buy or rent a home, and of course the DIAMOND ring! I asked Jill, "Have you ever had a conversation about the engagement ring?" Her answer was no.

This brings us to the question of the day: Should you bring up the engagement ring with your man?
Is having the right ring very important to you? Would you be afraid to bring it up? Would you feel awkward?  Are you afraid your man will overextend himself? Do you feel like it would be too presumptuous to bring it up? Do you fear it would ruin the romantic aspect of an engagement? Are you afraid of overstepping the man's territory by asking?

The answers are different for every woman. It all depends on "your" truth, so let me give you some guidelines to follow! Answer these questions:

1. Are you picky about what you wear? Or at the very least, do you find that others don't exactly get your taste?  A=yes   B=no
2. Are you uncomfortable when people give you presents, fearing they will spend money on something you won't like?  A=yes   B=no
3. Do you feel delighted with every gift you get, and know you will love whatever you get?  A=no   B=yes
4. Are you great at faking your reaction, so that the giver thinks you love it even if you don't?  A=no   B=yes
5. Do you worry that you won't know what to do if you don't like the ring he picks out?  A=yes   B=no
6. Would you feel uncomfortable if he bought a ring that was either too small or too large?  A=yes   B=no
7. Have you dragged him into jewelry stores and noticed that he pays close attention to what you like?  A=no  B=yes
8. Is your man good at picking out jewelry or has he nailed gifts for you in the past?  A=no   B=yes

If you answered "B" to most of these questions, then god bless you, because you are of the minority and have a special ability to just be happy with whatever you receive. I wish I could say I was like that, but I am not.

Now if you answered "A" to most of those questions, then my advice is that you shouldn't risk letting him pick out the ring.

Here are some suggestions on how make sure you are involved in the ring selection process:

Find a way to tell him in advance that while you don't want to rush things or ruin the romance of letting him plan the proposal, you just feel it's important he knows you are the kind of woman who would like to take part in the ring selection process. Let him know that for you, this would be fun, or at the very least, a special experience for you. Perhaps this is the time to be really truthful with him, and tell him that you worry about being presented with a ring you don't like, and how you would gracefully share your feelings about it with him. Whatever is your truth, have faith that you need to open up and share it.

If you don't feel comfortable describing or showing what kind of rings you like, then go with him to pick it out! DON'T let him buy you a ring on his own.

Now, on the flip side, if it's really important to you that "he" picks out the ring, or you don't care what he picks out and you will love it just because he chose it, then there is nothing to discuss! Unless of course, he asks you! If he asks you for clues, TELL him! Help him out! This will ease his mind. He does not want to guess. He wants to fulfill your dreams, and he can't do that by reading your mind!

Finally, if you tell him that it's important to you that you get to pick out your ring, and he still insists on surprising you because he has it all planned out, be more insistent. If he still ignores your needs, RUN! This a red flag that he is a controller, or he wants the relationship to play out according to whatever is in his mind, regardless of your thoughts and feelings. Ignoring flags like this can be hazardous to your health.

Jill found her voice and told Jack that the truth was that she worried that he might spend too much on a ring, or pick out something that was too large for her taste. She told him that when the date came, she still wanted him to plan the whole proposal event, that she still wanted to be surprised. But she leveled with him that she did not want a large diamond and in fact, wanted to go ring shopping with him after the proposal. Jack said, "Really? I thought it was important to have a ring when he proposed."  "Not with me," she said.

Jill shared how amazed she was by the impact of that conversation.  That conversation really brought them to a deeper level of intimacy and partnership. Having that conversation provided them both with some freedom. He lightened up soon after that. Imagine that! Turns out Jack was stressing out over the ring purchase, so it was a good thing for both of them that Jill broached the subject!

Now that we've discussed the ring, I'd like to encourage you to look at your relationship and think about whether there are other facets of yourself that you have been holding back from him. If you want to join your life with this person, you should feel free to communicate about the important things, and free to be yourself!