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The Ex from Hell
My boyfriend and I have only been together 10 months, but after only 3 months we moved from RI to GA. We pretty much only have each other in GA and that fine. Sadly his ex who he stated BEST friends with won't butt out. She texts at 2am after she asked me if that bother me and I said yes and she still keeps doing it. Last night she posted on his facebook a cute little comment using his pet name Kermit, and reminiscing about their past love together. He still has her as Piggie in his phone, ie Kermit and Miss Piggie.
She lives in PA so she's not exactly close, but online, on phone and in text message, she is nothing but nice to me, and understanding and friendly. But then she brings up the sex her and my bf used to have! My bf says just rise about it and be the better person. How can I be the better person when she is trying to get me to freak out?? She knows these things upset me, she knows if I tell my bf I'm upset with her, he has always chosen her over his gfs in fights. She is currently in a relationship but according to my bf, when she gets "serious" with a man, that is when she sabotages her relationships. So where she used to hide her phone calls and texts to my bf to keep her bf from being jealous, she now posts how must she misses him and being with him on facebook for the world to see. He won't remove the comment and he won't tell her it was uncalled for. He told me I'm being childish for letting this bother me at all. It's hard not to be bothered by a girl who used to date him who won't stop bringing up their romantic past and the icing on the cake, the one time he's cheated on a girl EVER was with this one. He cheated on his live in gf of 2 years with this skank-a-doodle. I don't know how to get past this woman's need to cause waves. If he won't tell her to stop, is he just not the one for me? Or am I just over reacting?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by The BAM Project, Anita Smithson on -
mmm, that is a hard one girl= i have had this happen to me- and of course not good. why put yourself thru this pain, obviously he is choosing bad.. this is your personal decision to make girl. but what I can say is: is go with your gutt, listen to your gutt.... good luck!
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Permalink Reply by Dede on
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Hi Denise!
I don' necessarily agree with AnitaMarie on this one. Why is he not nipping this in the bud himself? I think that if he is not willing to make you feel more comfortable and respecting your discomfort.. then maybe he still has some interest in her or likes the attention.
I would not allow this to continue. Respect is so important in a relationship. I don't feel that this is a jealousy issue on your part soley. I think you have grounds to feel as you do:)
Why does he keep the pet name Piggie on his phone and why won't he delete her comments?? I find this disrespectful to you. That is jmho.
Good luck:)
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Permalink Reply by The BAM Project, Anita Smithson on
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Ooh denise and dede- I was not trying to say that, What denise is going thru is okay. I have been thru it with an X and what truely happened was he was cheating on me the whole time, the girl who was his best friend, and of course only best friend as she told me- was busy getting down with him while he was supposedly @ work. The moral of the story is, if Your Man is not willing to let go of a girl for YOU the one he is claiming to be with- NO Denise, he is not for you. Tell him he needs to make a choice and he needs to stick to it. You or this girl??? If he chooses you, then their is NO more contact at all with her. "You will find your answer in his response"
Dede I was just stating what I know, of what happened to me- their was many times "my gutt" told me soemthing was happen, something is not okay with this situation- but my heart, would tell me- he loves me, I need to trust Him- until I caught them both! Which hurt worse!!!
Everyones relationship will be different, I juts say trust you gutt- Denise if you are feeling this strong about this female being so involved- well you might just be right.
I didn't want to get into that, because I don't want to see you get hurt but I guess its better to find out now then go thru months trying to understand, why he so persissant on letting her text/call him @ 2am???? Good luck girl.
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Permalink Reply by Denise Deslauriers on -
Thanks for the honesty ladies. I know ever girl he's dated since this one has had an issue with her. And now I see why, she intentionally tries to make his GFs uncomfortable. She can do no wrong in his eyes, and she came first so she has more right to be there. I'm just another girl in the list who doesn't understand his relationship with her. If I tell him "Her or Me?" He'll put up a fuss but then choose me, but I know he won't really. He'll still contact her but he'll do it behind my back. He did with the last two who asked/told him to choose. I figure my only real chance is to wait for her to make a serious move and if he pushes her away, I know I am what he wants, if he doesn't, then he was never worth my time. I don't know if I can hold out long enough to let her make a move. At this rate, I am starting to feel our days are numbered, and soon he can have at her. But currently she has a bf, and the vibe I get from her, is as soon as I'm out of the picture, she won't want my bf anymore and will turn around and act like it was all in his head. I know he loves the attention from her. He is not secure enough in himself to have only me desire him. He needs to know others want his attention just as badly as I do. I doubt I can do much to change that.
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I think that they both want the attention. That is the issue. It is not necessarily that they want each other, but they both have issues and they are ones that you don't need to deal with:)
Denise Deslauriers said:Thanks for the honesty ladies. I know ever girl he's dated since this one has had an issue with her. And now I see why, she intentionally tries to make his GFs uncomfortable. She can do no wrong in his eyes, and she came first so she has more right to be there. I'm just another girl in the list who doesn't understand his relationship with her. If I tell him "Her or Me?" He'll put up a fuss but then choose me, but I know he won't really. He'll still contact her but he'll do it behind my back. He did with the last two who asked/told him to choose. I figure my only real chance is to wait for her to make a serious move and if he pushes her away, I know I am what he wants, if he doesn't, then he was never worth my time. I don't know if I can hold out long enough to let her make a move. At this rate, I am starting to feel our days are numbered, and soon he can have at her. But currently she has a bf, and the vibe I get from her, is as soon as I'm out of the picture, she won't want my bf anymore and will turn around and act like it was all in his head. I know he loves the attention from her. He is not secure enough in himself to have only me desire him. He needs to know others want his attention just as badly as I do. I doubt I can do much to change that.
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Permalink Reply by Denise Deslauriers on
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To make matters that much worse, we moved to GA in January, he is now $3000 in debt and just finally got a job. Neither of us can afford the house we rent without each other or a roommate. And since he's currently in debt, he can't really afford it with or without me or a roommate. We are literally stuck together until he is out of debt and I can find a new place to live. As much as I don't like him for disrespecting me and for defending her when she makes me uncomfortable, I could not leave him to the streets when our families and friends are 1100 miles away. But I do NOT see him in my future.
It hurts more that I gave up things to me that I always dreamed of to have a life with him. He is very anti-marriage and anti-children. And my whole life, all I wanted was a family of my own. I grew up in an abusive and unhealthy home, I never had what most people consider a family. I knew he'd never give me a ring, his last name and some rugrats to call me mommy. But I told him that if he loved me, and could handle having only me for the rest of his life, than I could move past what he could not give and focus on what he could give. Now he chooses to keep a girl from his past in his very close present no matter how I feel and I am the one being childish and lacking understanding.
He actually wanted to visit her ALONE for a week of vacation!!! We haven't had the time nor money to go on vacation together, and he wants to go for a week to be with HER!!! I think I have given him more time and patience to handle this situation with her than most would have. Now I'm just tired and hurt.
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Permalink Reply by The BAM Project, Anita Smithson on
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good luck- i will pray for your well being and your decisions you need to make, unfortunately they will not be easy- but as he is not caring about your feelings or self being... why should you care for his. girl move on, it will be much healthier for you. find a way, make a way and get out of there.... he will just drain you and make you feel worse and worse each day, as it passes. i hope things get better for you!
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Permalink Reply by Cindy Mankin on -
My heart is so with you on this one. I went through pretty much exactly the same thing with my now boyfriend of 3 years. His ex lived with him for 2 years before they she moved out.
He also informed me that they were still best of friends. At first , I thought ok.. Well I am still friends with a couple of my ex’s. But my idea of best friends and his idea of best friends is totally different. She also would text at 2am on her way home from the bar. She would text almost daily. When she found out we were dating she would text and call even more, especially if she knew he was with me.
She would also call and ask to borrow things including money and etc. and when I tried talking to my boyfriend about this, same as your man, told me to be the “bigger person” and if we would get into a disagreement about her , she was never the one to blame, nor would he try to see things from my point of view.
I got to where every time she would call or text him , I would call or text her and tell her to quit contacting him. But then I realized I was being as immature as she was. And the only one who could put a stop to all of this un-necessary drama was my boyfriend.
I realized he needed to make a choice of what was more important our relationship and happiness or their friendship. I am not one to tell my boyfriend who he can and cant be friends with but she was crossing the line way too much and way too often. I sat down and started writing him a letter. I started it out by saying how much I loved him and how much I truly wanted our relationship to work but we had to remedy the issues with the ex for our relationship to continue in a positive way. And I told him that no matter what , all I wanted was for both of us to be happy . I tried not to “bad mouth” the ex with the best of my abilities but I explained from the heart why these things bothered me. In the letter I explained I knew that they obliviously had a special connect of course , they loved each other and was together for 2 years. I told him I wasn’t asking him to forget it or deny those feelings but to take a moment and consider my feelings. And that he needed to ask himself if he was truly ready to move on with me or if he truly felt in his heart that their was still “unfinished business” between them. I also told him that I deserved to have my feelings respected just as much as she did. And that we were at a crossroads and he needed to decide which path he wanted to take. It was very scary because I seriously wasn’t sure what his reply was going to be once he read it but I built up the courage to stand strong and not budge on what “my needs” were that needed to be me for me to continue on in our relationship.
I didn’t write it quickly and give it to him the same day . it took me about a week before I felt it was complete and ready to print and give to him. I would read through it each day and add more or “adjust” what was already there. But I was truly shocked by his reaction after he read it. this totally changed things in a positive way. He apologized for his actions and even though we had talked and argued about it on several occasions , that he didn’t truly get how it was deeply effecting me until he read it in “black and white.”
Things changed immediately. She had stuffed stored in his basement , which had been there for over a year. ( that she would have to stop by on occasion to pick up something that she needed. Although she had her own place and could have taken it all if she wasn’t such a low life drama queen and wanted to be able to keep that little connection, in case she needed something)
When she would call or text he wouldn’t take them and would email her and ask her to please stop , that he loved me and he was working on making a go of it with me, and that she needed to RESPECT not only me but our relationship. And eventually the “wicked ex” faded away.
I don’t if this might help you in your situation but it saved our relationship. The guy obviously has some type of feeling for you or I don’t think he would have made such a big move to another location like you guys have with out having feelings .
If you try this and it works GREAT for you guys and good luck on a life full of happiness. if it doesn’t maybe we can forum our own “drive the ex-girlfriend’s crazy like they are driving us” support group and rain drama and blow up her phone with calls and texts until she gives up from defeat!!!lol
Good luck and remember your feelings should be one of his highest priorities and that not only you but he also should do everything in his power to keep things positive and happy for you 2 and no one else.
Cindy
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Permalink Reply by Denise Deslauriers on
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Hi Cindy,
Well since I first wrote this post, things have changed and not necessarily for the better. She is engaged now but my bf isn't happy for her, he thinks she'll end it before it ever makes it to the alter. She doesn't call or text as much, but she still posts on facebook about these times they used to have when they dated. I try to counter her with a "oh and maybe you should be making new memories with your fiancee instead of sitting around remembering how fun the past was with an ex" She brushes it off with some comment about how my bf and her just have this terrific past that no one can compete with. She texts me and tells me she misses him ssooo much, especially at the holidays. And he's the guy who just always knows what she's thinking at any given moment and can finish her sentences. I don't know what she is trying to get me to think of her but it makes me not want her anywhere near him in any way. Her wedding is set for 10/18/11. I will be unable to attend her wedding so my bf will have to go alone. She texts me and says "NO I don't want him to come alone, I want you both to come and stay like a whole week and hang out" I don't get it. I don't know if she really wants to convince me they are just friends or if she wants me to have to watch them make kissy faces at each other for a week. I can't piece it together. She knows her behavior makes me jealous and insecure and she just keeps doing it but then tells me how she understand because she was the same with her baby daddy. She's just so immature and stupid. But my bf says that she's the only person who has never judged him and always helped him and eventually like most gfs I'll be gone, but she's a friend, so she's forever. It's so maddening... I seriously don't think a letter would help. He made it clear he won't choose her or me. But if either her or I decide to give the ultimatum, then we can walk away from him but he chooses to keep us both.
Cindy Mankin said:My heart is so with you on this one. I went through pretty much exactly the same thing with my now boyfriend of 3 years. His ex lived with him for 2 years before they she moved out.
He also informed me that they were still best of friends. At first , I thought ok.. Well I am still friends with a couple of my ex’s. But my idea of best friends and his idea of best friends is totally different. She also would text at 2am on her way home from the bar. She would text almost daily. When she found out we were dating she would text and call even more, especially if she knew he was with me.
She would also call and ask to borrow things including money and etc. and when I tried talking to my boyfriend about this, same as your man, told me to be the “bigger person” and if we would get into a disagreement about her , she was never the one to blame, nor would he try to see things from my point of view.
I got to where every time she would call or text him , I would call or text her and tell her to quit contacting him. But then I realized I was being as immature as she was. And the only one who could put a stop to all of this un-necessary drama was my boyfriend.
I realized he needed to make a choice of what was more important our relationship and happiness or their friendship. I am not one to tell my boyfriend who he can and cant be friends with but she was crossing the line way too much and way too often. I sat down and started writing him a letter. I started it out by saying how much I loved him and how much I truly wanted our relationship to work but we had to remedy the issues with the ex for our relationship to continue in a positive way. And I told him that no matter what , all I wanted was for both of us to be happy . I tried not to “bad mouth” the ex with the best of my abilities but I explained from the heart why these things bothered me. In the letter I explained I knew that they obliviously had a special connect of course , they loved each other and was together for 2 years. I told him I wasn’t asking him to forget it or deny those feelings but to take a moment and consider my feelings. And that he needed to ask himself if he was truly ready to move on with me or if he truly felt in his heart that their was still “unfinished business” between them. I also told him that I deserved to have my feelings respected just as much as she did. And that we were at a crossroads and he needed to decide which path he wanted to take. It was very scary because I seriously wasn’t sure what his reply was going to be once he read it but I built up the courage to stand strong and not budge on what “my needs” were that needed to be me for me to continue on in our relationship.
I didn’t write it quickly and give it to him the same day . it took me about a week before I felt it was complete and ready to print and give to him. I would read through it each day and add more or “adjust” what was already there. But I was truly shocked by his reaction after he read it. this totally changed things in a positive way. He apologized for his actions and even though we had talked and argued about it on several occasions , that he didn’t truly get how it was deeply effecting me until he read it in “black and white.”
Things changed immediately. She had stuffed stored in his basement , which had been there for over a year. ( that she would have to stop by on occasion to pick up something that she needed. Although she had her own place and could have taken it all if she wasn’t such a low life drama queen and wanted to be able to keep that little connection, in case she needed something)
When she would call or text he wouldn’t take them and would email her and ask her to please stop , that he loved me and he was working on making a go of it with me, and that she needed to RESPECT not only me but our relationship. And eventually the “wicked ex” faded away.
I don’t if this might help you in your situation but it saved our relationship. The guy obviously has some type of feeling for you or I don’t think he would have made such a big move to another location like you guys have with out having feelings .
If you try this and it works GREAT for you guys and good luck on a life full of happiness. if it doesn’t maybe we can forum our own “drive the ex-girlfriend’s crazy like they are driving us” support group and rain drama and blow up her phone with calls and texts until she gives up from defeat!!!lol
Good luck and remember your feelings should be one of his highest priorities and that not only you but he also should do everything in his power to keep things positive and happy for you 2 and no one else.
Cindy
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Permalink Reply by Josy Lawrence on -
I think he should understand why you are upset and tell her that she can't talk about past times. He needs to step it up! Have you brought up how would he feel if an ex did that on your pages, and things like that? I dont think you are overreacting. You told him and her it was bothering you. I agree with Dede that it is disrespectful to you.
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Permalink Reply by Denise Deslauriers on
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What's worse Josy, is that he says he would not be phased by my ex doing the same. He says we cannot control others nor change their behavior. He says that she is always a good friend to him, so he has not need to correct her ways. I tell him a good friend doesn't do things that cause strife in your love life. A good friend would at all costs try to make your life easier not harder. Just because she doesn't judge him doesn't make her a good friend. And in all actuality she does judge him. She tells him all the time how every girl he's dated (except her of course) has just not been worth his time and he is stupid for ever giving us anything. She judges him and the girls he dates. She is just a cruel little girl. I hate that he can't let her go. I know that he believes just like every other girl, I will also grow tired of him and leave. But she's a friend so she'll never leave. So he wants to hold onto her so that when I'm gone he hasn't lost everything. That makes sense. But he has to realize, what pushed most of his exs and what pushes me away... is this bond that he has with this woman he refuses to move past.
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Permalink Reply by Josy Lawrence on
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Even though he says that it would not bother him the other way around, it most likely would but of course. I wouldnt be okay with either, and if he loves you he should understand that and at least not talk to her as much, and talk to her about the things she writes. Best of luck and I hope it all works out for you.
Denise Deslauriers said:What's worse Josy, is that he says he would not be phased by my ex doing the same. He says we cannot control others nor change their behavior. He says that she is always a good friend to him, so he has not need to correct her ways. I tell him a good friend doesn't do things that cause strife in your love life. A good friend would at all costs try to make your life easier not harder. Just because she doesn't judge him doesn't make her a good friend. And in all actuality she does judge him. She tells him all the time how every girl he's dated (except her of course) has just not been worth his time and he is stupid for ever giving us anything. She judges him and the girls he dates. She is just a cruel little girl. I hate that he can't let her go. I know that he believes just like every other girl, I will also grow tired of him and leave. But she's a friend so she'll never leave. So he wants to hold onto her so that when I'm gone he hasn't lost everything. That makes sense. But he has to realize, what pushed most of his exs and what pushes me away... is this bond that he has with this woman he refuses to move past.
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