Diva Cafe
Women's Networking and Social Community
Love not Lust
Hey ladies, I have a bit of a dilemma, but I'm not sure it should be one. When my bf and I started dating, we were very hot and heavy like most couples. In a short period of time we decided to pack up and move 1100miles away from home. Of course since we only know each other, we live together. We are together almost all day and it's great, we are truly good friends. Job searching and such sometimes wears on our nerves but for the most part everything is wonderful. Sadly though, he tells me his feelings these days are more loving than lustful. Not that he doesn't want me physically but finds himself to be more in love with me than desiring bedroom time. I know most women would love to hear a man just wants to stare into their eyes and cuddle... but I miss the passion we used to have. I guess I should also mention I usually date bad boy sociopaths who can't even say the words "I love you" never mind be in love over lust. So I guess I'm questions how do I keep a balance? Or is it truly better we have progressed to this point?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Dede on
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Hi Denise! I love this post. How long have you been dating him? Normally, the lust fades a bit over time. What it appears to me is that he really LOVES you!! I think this is a wonderful place to be in a relationship. For me, this means that your relationship has substance. Are you looking for just the physical side or do you really love him?
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Permalink Reply by Denise Deslauriers on -
We've been dating for 4 months as crazy as that sounds but previously we were coworkers and friends... one day I just looked at him and knew I wanted to be with only him and here we are now...and I definitely do love him and it's nice to feel loved... sadly since I usually date the douchebag type... I've been cheated on a bit... and so of course now I worry if the lust has faded... will he just go find it else-where?
Dede said:Hi Denise! I love this post. How long have you been dating him? Normally, the lust fades a bit over time. What it appears to me is that he really LOVES you!! I think this is a wonderful place to be in a relationship. For me, this means that your relationship has substance. Are you looking for just the physical side or do you really love him?
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Maybe Denise you have finally found a "nice" guy. Like you , after my divorce, I found only jerks. They were packaged nicely with great careers and very polished looking but not the type of guy you could depend on being there long term.
I finally found a fabulous guy who treats me like a queen. The first few months it was an adjustment because I could not believe that he really liked me that much and would stick with me. Now, I enjoy and savor every day!!
Denise Deslauriers said:We've been dating for 4 months as crazy as that sounds but previously we were coworkers and friends... one day I just looked at him and knew I wanted to be with only him and here we are now...and I definitely do love him and it's nice to feel loved... sadly since I usually date the douchebag type... I've been cheated on a bit... and so of course now I worry if the lust has faded... will he just go find it else-where?
Dede said:Hi Denise! I love this post. How long have you been dating him? Normally, the lust fades a bit over time. What it appears to me is that he really LOVES you!! I think this is a wonderful place to be in a relationship. For me, this means that your relationship has substance. Are you looking for just the physical side or do you really love him?
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Permalink Reply by Maureen on -
Funny story. Not bad funny, but that is exactly what me and me current husband did as well. We moved from Philly to Florida after being hot and heavy for 5 months. 12 years later, we are still married.
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Permalink Reply by Denise Deslauriers on
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that's awesome maureen! I hope we can get past this hump and be as happy as you two still are :)
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer Uhart on -
I think this is a simple way to put it, lust fades while love stays. How long have your other relationships been?
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Permalink Reply by susan on -
Has he found employment? This can often lead a man astray from lust and more sexual pleasures. Often times as women we don't realize there a certain aspects to men that they place on themselves, such as the role of a good man, in his minds eye he needs the confience of employment, and both feet on the ground before resuming to the passionate lustful guy. Take advantage of your downtime and really get to know him, and know more about him sexually, you can talk about sex without having it, but when you do get back into the rythem just think about how much better it will be.
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Permalink Reply by Stephanie Reese on -
Look at your relationship and Catalog all the things that are Great about the relationship and soon you will realize the Love came with ALOT of other Great things and as everyone else has said Lust Fades but it is replaced with So much more! Just do not focus on what's missing but on what you have gained with this new phase in your relationship!
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Permalink Reply by Dee on -
I think it great to keep both the “love” and “Lust” alive in a relationship. At times one emotion or the other will be more noticeable. Something my love and I do to keep both going strong is send each other one to two questions via email and let the other person answer it in private.
Questions like:
When we make love what is the one thing I do that sends you “over the edge?”
What part of a person’s body do you notice first?
What is an absolute turn off (or on) for you?
What is the one type of food you would never eat and why?
Who was your first crush and what made it so special for you?
If you had to choose one would you be blind or deaf, and why?
When we send our questions back and forth I try to make one question sexual in nature and one relationship building. It’s so fun to see what questions he comes up with and also what his answers are. Just keep in mind, never ask something you don’t really want to know and never get mad over his answers. Don’t ask too many questions at once because you don’t want it to become work answering them. We have learned so much about each other this way and it also spiced up our lovemaking! Most of all have fun and enjoy his feeling for you maturing.
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Permalink Reply by Kimberly Tapia on -
Denise,
I have heard this numerous times. You are definetly not alone. The best thing to do is reignite that passion by doing new things. Try taking him out for a moonlight swim. Wear some sexy lingerie and when he reaches over for you, play a little hard to get. Or take him out and do something thrilling, like white water rafting, sky diving, etc. All it takes is for that one event to reignite that fire. Sex is a healthy component to any relationshsip and when it isnt like it use to be you know its time to change it up a little.
Hope this helps,
Kim
"Communication is the key"
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Permalink Reply by Denise Deslauriers on
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Thanks for the advice Kimberly. We actually just took separate vacations. Him to RI to visit fam, me to FL to visit friends. During this time he has really grown to miss me. He was considering cutting his trip short to get back home to me, and for the first time in a long time, for lustful reasons not just love. Not having sex readily available and being in a less than desirable situation (his parents house) has made him realize what he has waiting for him back home.
I think every 6 months or so I'll just send him away for a week :P
Kimberly Tapia said:Denise,
I have heard this numerous times. You are definetly not alone. The best thing to do is reignite that passion by doing new things. Try taking him out for a moonlight swim. Wear some sexy lingerie and when he reaches over for you, play a little hard to get. Or take him out and do something thrilling, like white water rafting, sky diving, etc. All it takes is for that one event to reignite that fire. Sex is a healthy component to any relationshsip and when it isnt like it use to be you know its time to change it up a little.
Hope this helps,
Kim
"Communication is the key"
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Permalink Reply by Amber Painter on -
I have been dating my guy for 4 years, and we were hot and heavy for a year, and it faded! I am also only 20, but we were high school sweethearts, and that's always part of it too!! we got to know eachother while were 16 and 17 and through time we grew with eachother, while being so young, it was tough, but we're still working through it, and we still find lust, and love, and there are a lot of ways to tie lust and love together, to still make a relationship seem right.
I had problems along the way, like you, but mine were more of people thinking we were too young to feel this way, but in the same sense, you can't put age on true love, and you also can't put a number on it also (like 4 months) I fell in love after a week <3
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